Getting Your Family on Board
How can I get family members involved with my child with autism?
Family is vitally important to the life of any child in any family. Whether your “family” is considered only those in your immediate company or extended family with aunts, uncles and cousins, etc, your family can have a profound influence on your life. However, deciding just how much influence your family can have on you or your child is a balancing act unlike any high wire act you’ve ever seen.
Dealing with other family members can be a very difficult issue for parents or caregivers of children with autism. Here are some of the frustrations we hear frequently from families:
- My mother-n-law says, “I just need to be more consistent!”
- My father says, “I just need to start spanking my child more!”
- My aunt, who is a special education teacher, says, “he doesn’t have autism, he looks normal to me!”
- Your sister says, “I don’t know why you’re so stressed, my kids did the same thing when they were younger and they didn’t have autism.”
The balancing act in this situation is deciding how much you want your family to be involved with you or your child’s life. If you haven’t heard some of these familiar comments, consider yourself lucky. However, it could be worse, your family could want nothing to do with you or your child and basically ignore your entire existence. No one situation is perfect; regardless of your situation you need help.
If you’re facing either of these challenges, we have a few strategies for you to try. Some people feel these supports are worth fighting for and salvaging whereas others just move on and find support from other people in other ways. We strongly recommend that you try to find as much support as you can for you and your child. Your job is tough and the more people you have to go to when you’re in a crisis or just need a break, the better and happier you and your child will be long term.
- Education is the key for some families. The more they know about autism, the more they can try to understand where you are coming from. Provide your family with simple reading materials about autism; find them free training they can access on-line or workshops they can attend. One good video to provide to family member is Autism Speaks’ video entitled “Autism Everyday”. You can click here to view it at their website.
- Teach them about the different strategies that work well with your child. Teach them how they can positively interact with your child. For example: many children with autism do no like to be hugged and kissed on, show them how they can give your child a high-five or deep pat on the back show affection.
- Be specific about the support that you need. None of these people have walked in your shoes, so they don’t automatically know what you need. For example: could you please watch my child for 1 hour so I go get my haircut?
- Don’t be afraid to tell somebody you’re struggling. You have to talk with somebody about it and you have to ask for help. This is especially true for moms. Moms tend to try so hard to stay strong and not ask for help, but sometimes you just need to! Often times moms want their extended family to think they are the “perfect parent,” however; you can be the “perfect parent” and still ask for help.
- Be honest with people. If they say something you do not like, tell them! Most of the time they do not realize they are offending you, so tell them why you did not like what they just said to you.
If you have had trouble in the past going to your family members house, re-evaluate how you’ve been doing this and try it again, here are a few strategies:
- Start with small steps. Only go for a few minutes and then build on it when the child is successful.
- Reinforce your child. Bring highly preferred reinforcers on the visit, along with toys that your child is familiar with.
- Use some type of visual schedule or support that shows the child the steps and process for going to a relative’s home.
The most important advice that can be given to someone struggling with family is this; don’t give up, especially if you have a young child who has just been diagnosed. Family members go through a process in accepting the diagnosis just as parents do. Your family may deeply love you and your child; they just need to know more about the syndrome you are dealing with. Knowledge is power; give your family the power to understand your situation.
When Eric was first diagnosed our daughters were young and Brianna is a year older then Eric she was three. But we sat them down and explained to them all that we knew and how Eric was going to need xtra help and and understanding. My mother inlaw lives with us well at the time she lived next door, she has a nephew that has low functioning Autism while Eric is high functioning so she understands. My mom at first had a hard time seeing it for she lives on the East Coast but with me talking to her and explaining things more she is understanding. I try to education not only family and friends but strangers that may look at my son strange when he has his little quirks, I use to be on the defenseive side but now I am like look. Yes he has Autism and yes he may do things that you and even I dont understand sometimes but once you spend some time with him you weill see that he is a loveable kid so please dont judge until you get to know Eric
I think this is an area I watch families struggle with almost daily. Just the other day I had a mother who was shopping with her son (6) at the grocery store. They had stopped to get some meat at the deli counter and her son started engaging in some self stim (he vocalizes and twirls his fingers). He then escalated to playing beans that were in a large open container. A woman stopped by and told the mother that she needed to learn how to control her son, and that women of her ethnicity don’t know how to parent. I often can’t believe how bold people are to make assumptions like that, but I liked the way this story ended so I wanted to share… Her older son (8) saw how much she was shocked and hurt by the comment and tracked the woman down a few aisles later. He had found an autism awareness card in his mother’s purse and handed it to the woman in the store. The card read something like “you have just encountered autism” and gave signs and symptoms and requested patience. The woman quickly apologized and began asking for information.
Kelli
Family is a very sensitive issue, because we often are so vulnerable to them. It’s a bit easier with stragers I think.
My family have had a hard time even believing that my boys are different and I’ve had lot of comments in the “there nothing wrong with him” department. I think that one reason for these comments is the fact that autism is, at least partly, determined by genetics. That means that family, besides from looking at the child, maybe starts looking at them selves and their loved ones. “Has he got it from me – have I got it?”
My father hasn’t in any way responded to the fact that his grandsons both got diagnosed with AS – maybe because it’s so obvious that he could get diagnosed himself if there was a reason to do so. But he’s over 60 and has a good life as far as I know (we are not very close). That’s kind of comforting I think.
Krista
Most of our family have been so supportive and we feel so lucky for that. I’m convinced a large chunk of Sam’s usually good self-esteem is the direct result of the love and appreciation that extended family give him – aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. However there is one thorn in my side and that’s my father-in-law…..however much we try to inform and educate he just doesn’t seem to take anything on board and he makes the same insensitive comments every time we see him (which is not too often as we live in the UK and he’s in the USA). He always comments on Sam’s picky eating, unclear speech and so on. Sam is nearly 18 and very aware of what Grandpop is saying. Maybe it’s time for Sam to try educating his Grandpop!!!!!
That’s a great idea, maybe you can start teaching Sam some self-advocacy skills and start with his grandpop. That’s great that you have a lot of support, I totally agree that the good support helps with self-esteem! It’s nice to feel wanted and supported!